The reluctant lover

How can you explain the reluctant lover? It’s not easy. First you have to unplug and relax. Then you have to tell a story!

Looking back he can see that almost every 10 years his life took a turn, always to the better except the second decade, part of which was very messy. Also a stint with government security in his fifth decade. But most of his life has been a vicious circle to achieve more. No one told him how hard to work and at what. He forgot to rest, take care of his health and enjoy time with people he loved. He thought he had all the time in the world and that his stay on this planet is eternal; while he should have taken care of his mental, physical and spiritual health.  Don’t get me wrong. Being persistent and working hard is the only way to achieve anything. However, we need to be wise enough and know when to accept certain things just the way they are.

So what helps his purpose to go on?

Was the purpose to take care of his heart when it needed a home? Although he has never been an ideal husband or a model lover and he never tried to appear that way. And love came too late. Still at one point and after many missteps, the future looked romantic and somewhere long ago there have been amorous moments and happiness, but also more than one goodbye. (He has aged the nights those happened.) As it turned out, from his experience, one can never really know another human being. He was drawn to people who might destroy him but who can say no to a great love affair. It made him feel alive and free, and this came at a price as he was completely at the mercy of another person!

Or is the purposes just go on living; although he is tired of the news. Tired of negative people; and tired of the violence, selfishness and anger; tired of liars and small spirits.

Or is it friendship which he believes in and sometimes feels is the most important thing of all, and where he does not have a talent for making friends. Because by the end of the day, your job, the money and other things don’t matter so much; and it might only be about your human connections and how much you touched the people around you.

Or should he get involved in religion when some types of meditation are his spiritual alternatives to religion. May be he doesn’t have enough faith, but like many people he is a spiritual person.

Or is it reading where he spends a lot of time, and enjoying his secret love for poetry – or is this lost time as well?

Or the purpose to go on is music? Listening to  Chopin , Tino RossiAna Moura and Nani

Or is it travel! He did his best on this front and will keep doing so. He loves to travel, which leaves him with lots of memories although the camera sometimes blemishes those memories.

He remembers little of being very young. Lots of small pieces that may be traces of the originals. A collage of faint pictures and memories: The walks to church; working in the orchards during the seasons; trying to mount horses without success; his teachers in elementary school and falling in love with one of them; decorating the Christmas tree, which was four times his height, with color bulbs and cotton balls; or sitting on the edge of the garden pool, naked, with friends and playing rough games. He is sometimes overtaken by a surge of gratitude for his former life.

His adult life is however well documented and most of his contemporaries are aware of his life’s chapters.

The journey has been one of unending education. As it turns out, life is not how far you can go. It’s about experiences and any worry about what comes later is pointless. It’s only a few of us who leave anything behind that is memorable to others, let alone permanent. It may be enough that we loved those we could, did no intentional harm and grown old with enough presence to make some people happy – at least those who listened.  Every man, including him, could tell you a beautiful love story about his life, then he smiles a little – and that means it’s a little too late.

A modest man like him retains hope for a future in which he will not participate. He asks himself whether he found joy in his life. Did he bring joy to others? He would like to think a little of both.

When his long time affairs and marriages failed without a chance of recovery, he swam a lot and took long walks; and one day he realized he did not want this life anymore, this divided life. So he questioned whether he was making a difference to anyone or anything. Whether what he did for a living made him happy. Fulfilled.

Of course he does not want to reinvent the past. Rather to take an honest inventory of his life. He sometimes has been extraordinarily lucky with people he met. He looks back and wonders how great some years of his life have been; and he will keep part of those lovely people with him, always. And now, so late in his life, is it the right time to concentrate on new priorities?

And this brings the question of the reluctant lover!

Now imagine amid those recurring thoughts a twist of fate? What if she comes as if in a day dream like a fictional character, and gives him a smile to melt his heart or what’s left of it. Then she looks at him and wins him the way she wants. (When it came to matters of the heart he is seventy going on seventeen). Always gave his trust quickly and without care. Could it be that he is taking leave of everything we call reality? But after all, isn’t the purpose of life individual and based on our dreams and desires; to make life worth living, again. Isn’t life’s purpose simply to be happy? End of argument; and then what!

Will he be the reluctant lover?

against the ugliness of age

 

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